I have been researching chemo brain and I came across this in the Clinical Journal of Oncology Nursing (Vol. 9, No. 6): “ADHD share many similarities with chemo brain.” Chemo brain, is a side-effect known as cognitive dysfunction caused by chemotherapy treatments, “… include(s) frequent failure to pay close attention to details; repeated careless mistakes; difficulty sustaining attention and listening; failure to follow through on instructions; failure to complete school work, chores, or duties; problems organizing tasks; distractibility; and forgetfulness.” This all makes perfect sense to a problem that makes no sense.

The Scarecrow in “The Wizard of Oz” made me laugh with his “if I only had a brain” lament. Little did I know that chemo-brain would make it my lament too.

Now I understand that it is not ALL stress that is making me spacey; I’m not losing my mind. This description by Oncology Nursing fits exactly with what has been happening with me.

I have known for some time that chemo-brain is a side effect of chemotherapy treatments in women with breast cancer, but the knowledge I had at the time said it was mostly forgetfulness, or feeling like you are walking around in a fog. Well it is more than a fog; and after reading the article in Oncology Nursing, what a relief to find out why I have been acting goofier than I normally am and why I can’t seem to focus on my school work or why my house looks like a bunch of kids have been running wild.

Focus, focus, focus

I used to be proud of the fact that I could do 10 things at once and do it with style and grace. Since chemo, I seem to only be able to do one thing at a time.

Multi-tasking is a thing of the past right now, I just cannot do it. If I start something and then get distracted by the phone or whatever, I forget what I started in the first place, and sit there wondering what in the heck am I doing. It is sort of like falling down the rabbit hole and you just can’t seem to help yourself.

Once I was going to a meeting in a building that I was just in the day before, and I couldn’t remember how to get into the building’s garage. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t even see where to get in to get to the upper levels. Being frustrated is putting it mildly; I drove around that garage for about 10 minutes before I remembered I had to come in a certain way, the experience left me feeling like I had lost my mind, or like I truly fell down a rabbit hole.

I miss my brain the most

How has chemo- brain affected me in my academic pursuits? Well before the “Big C,” I was on top of my game so to speak, 3.85 GPA, then I started my descent into cancer treatments, and I kept trying to go to school and ended up failing three of my classes. After that, I had to take a couple quarters off. I recently returned to school, and I love being back, but my brain is still not on top of its game, chemo-brain has made it hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time, and I have to read over and over my texts and writings, however, I am not discouraged, just challenged.

What an adjustment it is to live with chemo-brain. I keep telling myself that it is a good thing because it is kind of nice to be able to focus on only one thing at a time.

In the words of Barbara De Angelis: “Only when your consciousness is totally focused on the moment you are in can you receive whatever gift, lesson, or delight that moment has to offer.” What a nice thought don’t you think? On the other hand, what a rough way to learn how to focus or how to be in the moment.

Chemo-brain, blessing or curse

I have read a couple of other psychological studies that say multi-tasking isn’t good for you anyhow, so I must be finally doing something good for myself by not being able to multi-task. The problem is, my family and the rest of the world, are used to me being able to do 10 things at once, and then some.

Now I have to tell them that I cannot do this or that, run here and there, without running down or losing focus, but jiminy crickets, every time I try to tell someone, I just kind of forget.

Chemo-brain is a blessing I think; I have to relearn a lot of stuff, but that is A-OK for now, and it does go away (for most people) the farther you are out from your last cancer treatment, so there is hope. You just have to fasten your seat belt and hang on.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and chemo-brain will be gone

I am going to accept this condition called “chemo-brain” for now; I will adjust my life and work, and learn to deal with it. I will write massive notes and I will add more creative, artistic activities into my life to help rewire my brain and reduce the stress of having to deal with this new “normal” way of doing things. I am also learning to set limits on myself and realize that trying to do a lot of things like I used to, just isn’t going to happen right now.

This has been a difficult adjustment for me, but I can overcome this as I have overcome chemotherapy. After all, if I only had a brain, I’d be doing 10 things at once right now instead of sitting here being distracted and enjoying the birds singing outside my window.


Laura Revels is currently a program manager for Native People for Cancer Control – Alaska; two-time breast cancer survivor and advocate. For more information, visit www.laurasjourney.com.